My Boyfriend Cheated on Me...and I Chose to Stay.

It all started with a TikTok account. A TikTok account that I had never seen before. A TikTok account that belonged to Roland. Only on this TikTok account, I saw a different Roland; a Roland I didn't recognize. He was confident. He was singing sexy lyrics to the camera. He was asking inviting questions. I immediately knew that something was off and that this wasn't appropriate. I woke him up from his nap, because I had been watching Ravi by myself. What is this? I asked. He played it off like it was nothing to worry about, but I knew something was off. This TikTok account presented him as if he was single. There was no showing of myself or Ravi. I told him I thought it was inappropriate and we had a long discussion about it, Roland had always been open with me about being able to go through his phone and so I took the opportunity to do so. Call it a woman's intuition. I knew something was off.

Roland has always had a separate life from the one that he has with me. It's always revolved around the Internet and business opportunities. He's always looking for extra ways to make money, and it was something we never really agreed upon. I couldn't understand why what we had wasn't enough . I felt like we made enough money to have a happy life, but what I didn't understand was that, for Roland, it really would never be enough. He had a whole family to take care of back in Liberia. And my lack of support for these opportunities had divided a major wedge between us. I just didn't understand how big that wedge had gotten.

He handed over his phone and I looked through his Instagram accounts. That's where I found it. Messages he had sent to another woman.

Hey baby.

Hey sexy.

Miss you.

I died inside. I was so angry and so hurt and so betrayed. I couldn't believe these things that he had been saying to me throughout our relationship, he was saying to some random girl on the Internet. He says that it was never physical and I do believe him. I don't know when he would have time to have a physical affair and keep up with his job and our baby and I just don't believe that Roland would do that. I believe Internet, Roland would say those things because he's confident. But not home Roland. Not real Roland. Those first 24 hours were absolute hell. I seriously wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I was psychotic. Esther Perel, an esteemed relationship psychologist, describes this period as the "crisis state." “Love me. I hate you. Stay with me. Go away. You're the worst. I can't be without you.” It's pure hell. And the world is telling you what you should do, subconsciously. He cheated. It may have been emotional cheating, but it was cheating nonetheless and you shouldn't stay with someone like that. I needed space from the situation, but at the same time I didn't want him to leave and I also needed him for childcare. This was a whole new can of worms. We were connected forever. No matter what I chose to do, I had to learn to love and forgive him as my child's father. We would always be in each others lives. It took me about a week to recover. I really shouldn't even speak about some of the things I did during that time because I am ashamed. I was so hurt and so angry at Roland that all I wanted him to do was make him feel the pain that I was feeling. But hurting Roland didn't make me feel better. And I knew was not well and considered hospitalizing myself. My family finally got involved about a week after the incident occurred and we agreed that if I wasn't better by the end of the week that I would check myself into a hospital. The biggest takeaway from their involvement was the concept that it wasn’t about Roland at all. It was about me. It was about me getting better. Everything had to revolve around that. My psychiatrist had already prescribed me an antipsychotic that I had been on for postpartum depression, and I could feel it starting to work. By Friday, I was starting to feel better, and I was starting to think more clearly. I believed Roland when he said that this would never happen again. We signed up for couples counseling and completed four sessions. It was actually the couples therapist that recommended that we do some sort of family project together which turned into this website. I have to hand it to her, it was a good idea, and it did become very healing. I had my own personal therapist as well. What I realized, through the situation with Roland, was that I had little to no compassion for myself, and a lot of self hate. When someone cheats on you, you can really see how you feel about yourself. I felt like my life was over. And it wasn't. Even if I decided not to be with Roland anymore, I still have so many blessings in my life. I had great friends, I had a great job, I have a beautiful son and a great house. This situation sucked, but it was not the end of the world.

Roland and I have decided to continue to work on our relationship and continue to build together. I don't know whether or not this will happen again. I hope it won't but I'm prepared in case it does. I've started preparing myself financially, emotionally, and mentally. I believe things can work out, but I never want to be in a position where I think I have to hospitalize myself again. I’m the priority now. Myself and my son. I think the expression is "trust in God, but lock your car." Yeah. That sounds about right.

Love,

Meghan

Life has this strange way of checking you. For the first time ever, my life felt perfect. I had a super sweet baby that was so easygoing. My boyfriend was so loving and attentive to me and an incredible father. I had a phone screensaver that said, "I am the luckiest. Everything works out for me." And I truly believed it.