Repairing a Relationship After Infidelity


7/19/20233 min read

It’s been 7 weeks since I found out. In that time, I feel like I’ve changed so much and learned so much more about myself and how I process emotions. I feel things really big. Really big. I’ve always known that in knowing I have extreme empathy and in having addiction issues in the past. I’m almost like a child. I kick and I scream and I throw a huge tantrum and the emotions move through me. I agree with some people that say I don’t have great coping skills but I would also say that now I understand how I process things. I almost revert back to a childlike state. I think the situation isn’t fair and therefore the person who did wrong needs to be punished. And if the world isn’t gonna do it, well that’s ridiculous and I guess I have to do something. Here are the things I’ve learned since moving through this time.

  1. Punishment doesn’t work and it’s not fair. This whole idea of making them pay or that they owe you something is setting up the relationship to fail. We are human. We make mistakes. We have to move on and move through to forgiveness and love. We will always remember and protect ourselves but the playing field needs to stay even.

  2. Relationship Check-ins- We were checking in weekly before this happened but now we have something else to check in about… this new territory of the relationship. We usually do it twice a week and just ask how the other person is feeling and sorting through everything.

  1. Start a new hobby together- It’s no surprise that we bought a Cricut and have been making projects together but it has been so fun. Like, surprisingly fun. I don’t consider myself crafty but Roland is really artistic and it’s fun to work together and separately. We get to see what the other person is thinking about and creating. It also gives us a new thing to do together after the baby goes to sleep. And, it’s a distraction. It keeps the vibe of the house light and happy.

  1. Establish new boundaries- After infidelity, relationships have to change. They have to become something new. Something better/different than what they were. They need new rules and regulations and boundaries. I had to sit down with Roland and say, these are my boundaries now. We had never discussed it before, surprisingly. But now we have to, so we both know what’s expected. In his mind, I’ve never broken his trust so therefore he has no boundaries to give me at this time. That makes sense to me.

  1. Redefine why you got together in the first place. What were your common values and goals? There’s a reason why you picked each other and why your lives have matched up thus far. People change as they get older. Life has different phases but there are core values at the center of this relationship. And I don’t mean “a kid.” I mean the value of family or home.

  1. Let triggers come and talk through them. A therapist warned us that triggers would happen. And it was important he let Roland know this ahead of time. I’m not being triggered to ruin a perfectly good evening…. Something is happening inside my brain. I need to talk about it. So now, I just say, “I’m triggered” and then state my feelings. Roland listens and takes it in without judgment. He knows to be sensitive and let me say everything I need to say before he talks.

This has been a hard time for me but also a time of tremendous growth. I recently got a tattoo of a butterfly because I felt like this situation pushed me into the butterfly. The fully grown mother. She’s here. She’s understanding herself and her role and it feels really good some days. Thank you for taking this journey with me. It’s been intense but knowing I have the support of a community behind me, really makes a huge difference.

I love you,